Definite:
1. My dog will always bark at squirrels.
2. I will always have way too many clothes.
3. Music will always put my in place.
4. I will never stop being amazed by a 3 year old saying her prayers at night.
5. I will never go to sleep before 10. *I’m hoping this changes haha one word = kids.
6. I will always play the piano.
7. The beach will always win in my choice of a vacation spot.
8. I will ALWAYS be afraid of snakes. *Don’t try me.
9. New York will always surprise me.
10. I will worship until my last breath, and even after.
Time changes us.. some things i hope never change.
_T
What do you do when you say goodbye to someone and miss them the instant they walk away. Still less then 3 feet away and you want to talk forever. I have a hard time saying goodbye. I don’t like it. To my friends .. you are more dear to my heart then you know. Goodbye has gradually gotten harder over the years. Mostly because I love what I see in you and hate when it has to go, even if for a short while.
I wish I could see this sky every night. It quiets me, and inspires me all at once. I stand in awe and want to go be something bigger then myself. All I have to do is look up and see the same masterpiece that everyone else can see. Around the world, next door, standing next to each other.
Be Blessed. _T
So this lady, right here, is very special to me, this is my Aunt Lynn. She was my moms best friend, the one who told me that in college its cool to sit up front and ask questions; you’ll always get A’s. She also told me that boys always come along when you’re looking for them, but the right one will come just when you give up. She snuck us candy at the youth group when we weren’t old enough to go to service and made camping trips the best. I can’t tell you how many “field trips” we took, she and my mom could make anything educational. She had the best laugh. And 2 years ago she passed away from cancer. 3 weeks was not enough time to say goodbye.
It’s still hitting me.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT FOR THE SHACK * I’ll clobbered by shoes if I don’t warn ya first.
I read the book The Shack last week, and yes its as good as everyone says. And I got all the way to the end, cried some, laughed some, closed the book and said hmm.. Mack (lead character) had some tough stuff happen in his life, I don’t think I’ve had anything like that happen. And I was driving to Orlando today.. it hit me. Mack’s story is for everyone who has ever been angry at God for something. Mack is angry because someone is taken from him, someone very special. And the book is about him realizing that God doesn’t turn good into evil. He takes whats meant for evil and turns it to good.
My sister and mom are always the ones who cry when we talk about my Aunt. I haven’t felt anything for a while about it, that or I haven’t let myself show it. I figured out that I was looking at what happened with my Aunt, and blaming God. Not just blaming, fighting over it. Taking every good thing that was happening in my life and other people’s lives and saying “It wont last, you took her and you’ll take this too”. Doubt, and fear, if you want to call it something. Geez I wish I could say differently. It sounds so awful when you say it outloud or even on computer screen. But its true. I didn’t understand how she was gone and we were all here. How her kids and my Uncle were here. We missed her and that was all we could do, was cry and share stories and think about her. No change. Thats why I was angry, why I was hurt. And we still miss her. Still cry. But at least I’m learning now, while it looks like nothing is happening, the universe changes with every minute that passes. And God sees it all.
I wont say I’m over it, but I’m not angry anymore. Just scarred, and sorry.
So Aunt Lynn, I love you. Always will. And God, I love you too.
Be Blessed _T
Sometimes I just dont understand. Don’t understand why people get hurt, why things happen, why people go away, why they stop talking, thinking, feeling. I don’t get it. Not like, “How dare they” .. more like, how can I even try to understand what they are going through.
I don’t understand, but I want to.
I wrote a song the other day, bout time for another one I suppose.
Be blessed _T
I was brave today. I’d like to think I’m brave everyday. But today, for some reason has already stood out among the rest of my week. I was talking to my friend in Australia today, she leaves for Cambodia tomorrow =) She’s brave too!
But our phone conversation was disconnected.. and as I stared at my phone waiting for her to call me back, I noticed I had a voicemail. If you know me, you know I never, and I do mean NEVER check voicemails, let alone delete them after I have heard them. So I called my inbox and listened to the message, blah blah whatever.. And then the lovely computer lady told me I had 47 saved messages. yikes.
Today I was brave because I jumped back and sat down in a little piece of history. Easy to say, hard to do. I’ve tried a couple times but I felt like a frog jumping into hot water, in for a second, out in a millisecond.
Some messages were hysterical: excitement because of reptiles found or kept, “i’ll sing you a song”, Happy 18th birthday!, worlds longest voicemail, “you’ll probably never hear this because you never check these”. Some were borrring: babysitting jobs, school deadline junk, “wheres this, wheres that”. And others were hard, really hard: Late night “call me backs”, Aunt Lynn heartache, “I need your help with something”, calling to say goodbye, calling just to say hello.
Its one thing to think about the past in your head, its another to hear it again out loud. Sometimes you have to go back, just to go forward.
Taylors Inbox = 0
It’s going to be a good day.
Be Blessed _T
The other day a friend and I were laughing at the fact that we both had blog posts, that just couldn’t seem to make it to the public. Numerous reasons.. some of which include: not finished, “it’s missing something”, whoa you can’t post that, ha who reads this thing anyway, yikes I’m not sure how that’ll go over, etc. You get the picture.
It’s almost like looking at someone or a situation, and wanting to say so much, and you hold back.
Some would say that’s chicken. Nay, (ha that makes me laugh) I say that makes me brave.
Ya ya, so I don’t get to say what I want. Maybe what I want to say pushes me into a place I don’t really want to be. Sure, I’m heard. But is it me heard, or my anger, bitterness, frustration, annoyance, pride, fear?
I got to connect with two very special people this week. One at 180 camp, the other at iO. Both were girls in my cabin. Our talks weren’t filled with deep meaningful discussion, just honesty and truth about their situations and their lives. I know I saw their heart, and I hope they saw mine. I got to sing for an audience of one, along with 400 other people. I was able to tell someone that I loved her like a little sister and that no matter what happened, I wasn’t going to bail on her. I said no and meant it, and I said yes, and meant it. I laughed, oh did I laugh. I guess inevitable when you laugh you smile =)
I guess the other words, well they can wait til later..
Cheers!
Anna is an 13 year old sister of a leukemia patient. She is named after a constellation. She likes dogs. She playes hockey, and kicks butt at it. She has a brother named Jesse who is heavy into drugs and parents who genetically knew who she would be before she was born. Why? Because they had her to help her sister live by giving her blood and other sustaining health benefits. Does she care? Yes.
Anna is a character. Made up.. My Sister’s Keeper. Read the book, it’s pretty good.
If I were a character in a book I wonder what it would say about me. Would they write that I love to sing, and more then that, sit at the piano until my fingers blur in front of my eyes and I can’t see the keys. Maybe they would write about how stars fascinate me. How I wish I could turn off the city and turn on the sky. Then again, I love the city, and how it never ever sleeps. Oh they would have to write about how often I change my hair, how I love to sit in the sand at the beach and count speedos, and how if I were an animal I would be a giraffe. Maybe they would say I’m not too tall, but I’m not too short. I’m just right. Would they tell you that I have this amazing pair of green sneakers that I feel completely comfortable in. I know it would make a reader laugh to know I like my smile but I don’t wear my retainer. And would they write that sometimes in crowds, I lose myself and have to step back to see where I am?
Whatever they write is what you’ll know, and what they don’t write.. well i guess thats not open for discussion. Unless you see a character all on your own.
I’d like to think the author knows me best.
“Whether or not you write well, write bravely”
- Bill Stout
Save the drama for your momma..
Actually don’t even bother her with it.
People are as happy as they make up their mind to be. Maybe if they stopped focusing on meaningless junk…… they would be able to spend more time enjoying life.
BEACH IN 3 DAYS. Road trip tomorrow… My ipod case came today. I decorated it with bugs and named her (the ipod, not the case) Pearl. Things are lookin’ good.
I’m at work. Its FREEZING. Always freezing.. and always just my office/closet. Something about keeping the computer equipment from heating up. I’m listening to my iTunes, with a video about retirement playing in the background. I’m editing a video for this class online. Its an old man talking about death and liabilities and such. I just ate lunch, and it was delicious =) I get to go to a meeting in a few hours and talk about music for camp. I love this time of year minus the 100+ degree weather. Its camp season. Then I get to go hang out with my sis. We’re both really busy with educational junk = School, and trying to make money = Every job we can get a hold of right now. Tonight we’re getting sushi for $1 at Sushi Alive.
Last night I got to talk to a person I haven’t seen in AGES. It was cool. I saw my dad which I remark on because I haven’t seen him in a few days. Our schedules don’t agree lately. I went to Walmart with KC so he could get fishing gear. They make some funny lures these days.. crazy looking fish and “live” (Dead) crabs floating in goop. Why fish go for these things still stumps me. Also got to go to the running store with a Jordan and Abby and try on funny shoes for those “HEYY” *Arms stretched out* people. One friend left yesterday, one leaves tomorrow, both for a different country.
“The most instructive experiences are those of everyday life.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche
