To give up on love is to give up on a life thats sole purpose is to love and be loved. Sometimes its easier to know why were are NOT loved then to believe we are loved unconditionally by the shaper of hearts, deliverer of the captives, lover of creation. We cannot be doubtful when pursuing God, we must boldly walk forward and come before him, believing why we ARE loved. I forget sometimes.. but I’m going into that throne room, passionately and with everything in me.

Care to take a walk?

I think theres this feeling we get every once in a while, or every day, or all the time.. whatev. And it makes us antsy. It makes me antsy. The funny thing is everyone walks around like this .. I don’t know why I think I’m the only one. I just see all the people who appear content, who are having life changing decisions happen all around them or to them, and i can’t help but wonder.. Am I waiting around for the next thing while without knowing, missing the next thing? Ya see, I don’t want to have an ephiany of my life, like what I’m supposed to do forever, I just want to take the next step. 

I wish I knew.

I want to go play football on the side of the house with all the neighborhood kids and exceed the weight limit on the trapline playing “crack the egg”. I want to wake up, eat a bowl of crispys and watch saved by the bell with casey. I want to build something out of legos. I want to play Life with dad, and rollerblade through the house while doing school. 

Growing up, well it just sucks sometimes. Work, college, bills, money, bleh. No wonder people get tired earlier as they get older.. I would want to sleep to get away from all of it too. 

I’ve decided I’m not growing up. ha! Wheres peter pan when I need him. But no really, while growing old is unavoidable, growing up is actually all in my head. So at this moment I’m eating a piece of apple pie [which is more like 3 pieces in 1 because I didn't feel like getting knife] and its delicious. And I’m going to enjoy it dangit =) and I’m not going to think about work, working out, working everything out, none of it. I’m going to eat my pie, and let that be that.

Because I refuse to let grown up things, tell me how old I am. 

I’m going to sleep. Maybe Lizzie was be un-mad for one night and come sleep with me.. 
=) _T

So I have decided to play the game. If you’ve been around my mother in the past 3 months, you’ve probably heard her talking about her savings. I didn’t realize how much money you spend a week on the necessities. She didn’t either until she started bringing home hundreds of dollars worth of stuff for cents at a time. 

You see, I want what I’m given to last. I want to enjoy the fun stuff without worrying about the little stuff. 

The game starts now. 
I need a sweet name…

_T

I have begun to step forward. Moving out, taking a new job, finishing part of school. And yet at the same time, I have stepped back. You’ll see in a few weeks what I mean. Lots is changing, happening. And at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t it. I’m not done. In fact, I almost feel like i haven’t even begun. 

Just to see, I looked at missions in Africa. There’s an opening for a Graphic Designer with Watoto. I would love to do something like that.. I don’t think I have the qualifications, but who knows. It could be a goal. I just want to go do something bigger then myself. It doesn’t have to be a christian organization although thats typically what missions are for.. but I want to see whats out there. 

I’m tired of the same old. I’m content, yet I feel that there is so much waiting. Maybe thats just “normal” for this age. But I don’t want normal. I want life.

Anyway, this heart has had enough today to make your head spin, so I’m off to sleep.

So here we go. 

1. I think my brother is awesome, and I don’t want to ever lose the kind of relationship I have with him. I’m worried moving out may make it harder. 
2. I want a tattoo. Not to look cool, or please anyone, but for me. Don’t worry, I’m not the kind of person to get a star and say it means something. It will be a good one. I still want my parents to like me after it =). 
3. I have a really high mental pain tolerance. Basically I can handle stress for long amounts of time.. probably not a good thing.
4. I think my voice has gotten stronger, and it makes me really excited!
5. I don’t want chocolates or roses.. I want daisys, lovely daisys. They are beautiful.
6. I feel the need to say something when I’m angry, but usually I walk away. *If I do stay, please excuse my actions.
7. I still don’t know exactly what I want to do, but I’m realizing its not what you settle into, but what you try.
8. I wish I had just cut it off, people wouldn’t of been as hurt.  
9. I don’t like a mess, but I seem to acquire them more often then not. Lets just say when I clean, its really good =)
10. I love my sister. I learned loving people from her, my heart has been broken for her more then any other person in my life. Not because of anything wrong, just because she is amazing. 
11. I feel like sometimes as a musician people think I’m off in la la land. Yes I know, sometimes if you catch the end of a conversation about which key you need a song in and its a bunch of letters and crap its scary.. don’t worry, thats not all thats in this head.
12. I have many days that I want to escape everyone and everything and go think.. the beach is my spot of choice.
13. I have a lot of people speaking to me on a daily basis, only a few really shake me. 
14. I actually like school. I’ll miss it for the consistent schedule it gives me for 4 months.
15. I can’t wait to meet my kids, I always joke that they’ll have colored hair and be rock-band champs, but really, they are gonna be a amazing.
16. I’ve tried to imagine life if I didn’t grow up in church, I don’t think I would’ve been a nice kid. 
17. I seem like I’ve got it all together, but its chaos. Surprisingly not in a sad or overwhelming way, more like “This is living” kind of way.
18. I apparently like odd illnesses: had tubes in my ears to hear, shin splints, kidney stone, TMJ.. the ER is not cool.
19. I tend to hold on to people.. and I also have conversations with people and I’ll pull one line they say out of 100 and think about it all day long.
20. My relationship with God is always changing, for good, because even bad is good with Him.
ya. _T

I decided to look at it from a different perspective, the angels. I was sitting at the Christmas Tree and Jake shared this awesome point about how we always say “Jesus is the greatest gift ever given our saviour, our only hope”. Its all totally true. But what did the angels say? “You have no idea what we’ve given up, you have no idea what we’ve sacraficed.” I can only imagine its like trying to share with someone the same joy you feel about something, and If they haven’t experienced themselves, there is no why they can feel the joy.

It stuck with me, in such a huge way! I couldn’t imagine, being up in heaven and hearing God say, “Jesus is going to save the world, he’s going to save the world as a baby that grows into a man, all while fully trusting in me. He’s leaving us, but he’ll be back.”

I think what gets me the most is that when the angel was talking to the shepards in the field and then the skies were filled with a heavenly host, my goodness, how incredible that mustve been! If I could see one thing from when Jesus was on this earth, that would be it. I think thats becuase the awe of how big our God is just leaves me speechless. And how even as a human, the angels gathered to worship him. As a baby, they came together to bow before him.

I think Christmas has left me at a loss for words on the outside, with so much more going on inside. Thats ok though. Honestly, the presents, “Christmasy parties”, decorations, etc. didn’t even catch my eye this year. I’m thankful, but instead I’ll remember sitting in a church service with my whole family, I can’t remember the last time we did that. I’ll remember Christmas eve dinner with my mom and KC, sushi =). And I’ll remember sitting with Grandma today and talking.

This year I’m looking to the skies. Merry Christmas. I hope yours was as blessed as mine, inside and out.
_T

Luke 2:9-15

9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ^[a] the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

• I can get up early. Shocking.. I was up at 4 am 5 days a week, once or twice even 3am.
• To go with the first statement, I can go to sleep before 11pm! That one really surprised me.. I haven’t gone to bed that early since I was like 12.
• I got sick of eating.. what I mean by that is eating every 2 hours.. gets REALLY tiring.

But really, I learned a lot: I am disiplined, capable, willing, encouraging, a thinker and mover, and a runner. I realized goals make the distance seem a lot shorter and that having people beside you to help makes you want to run for longer. I learned to enjoy the short runs, the time when we could just go out and feel active. And I learned to push to mile 12. I learned to trust myself. I learned I could do it.

- Thanks dad. I wouldn’t of gotten to this place without you.

To my marathon group, I’m proud of you, of us.

And probably the biggest thing I learned. Time is wonderful, and time for myself is even better. I’m not as afraid to say no and go be alone. I find I actually enjoy it. I always said, “I can’t run by myself, I give up too easily.” I would like to retract that statement. I can run on my own. Because we’re never really alone, are we?

_T

People need to be loved. I need to be loved. You need to be loved. Don’t try denying, there is no use. For we are made in love, through love, with love, and desiring love. I don’t mean in a “forever and always” kind of way although that is a part, I’m talking about needing love from anyone and everyone. Most importantly, by Him =)

If you haven’t heard it lately, hear it.. You are loved. Quite possibly in the most extravagant way possible. The love our God gives when we call to him not only satifies us, but leaves us wanting more at the same time. Funny, as if to say, “here I am, now come see more”

I can live with that. In fact, I’m more then happy to respond to that.

I always thought when I felt God was far, it was because he was. But I think its different, I believe that feeling is just the love we remember, telling us we haven’t had enough time with Him today. That ache, is him. Craziness

It makes it easier for me, to come to God when I know all he wants to do is say I love you. I see now how he doesn’t make us feel guilt shame, but instead calls us with love. 

So instead of running away, run toward. Toward a love that is pushing you to go back to the beginning, love. 

Be Blessed _T