take time to realize..

Warning: Brutal Truth .. or a thoughtful entry.. 

Imagine, having people around you, lots of people, and you don’t want to talk  to anyone. You would rather sit in a quiet room or down by the park all by yourself, then have a conversation.

I feel lost. Honest. I feel as though one moment I’m being true to myself and another I’m off on a path I can’t even remember where it started. Ever felt this way? I don’t want to say or do anything because I’m afraid it’ll come back to hurt me later. To not know who or what you’re capable of in everyday situations is frustrating, and binding.I know in my heart that this isn’t freedom. That there is something missing. It’s almost like a car and a very important (obviously don’t know anything about cars) part is missing but I’m still driving because I have to get around, but at any moment the whole thing could blow up in my face. A piece of me isn’t present right now.

 I’m so tired. Tired of hearing things and seeing things and wanting things and missing things and knowing things and being in the moment but not connected to it. I feel like I cheat people of the real Taylor, but who is the real Taylor? Do I really know that person? My dad says, “I’m glad to see you smile” but is what he thinks is real really real? It’s like everyone puts their 2 cents in and then says, “Now go make a fabulous Taylor-made decision =)” How can you do that when people are saying their peace and expecting everything you do to be your own thoughts. “Take ownership”.. of what? Mine and 10 other peoples thoughts?

  ”Hurt people, hurt people”.. so true. I’ve hurt so many people.. it’s like I’ve let everyone down in the last 6 months. I’m learning that I wont make everyone happy. I know that full well. But geez.. I just want to run. Seriously, I want to go where no one can hear me be me and sit.

But you can’t run from your problems. Life follows you wherever you go. I’m trying.. and I’m getting worn out. It’s hard making choices that your heart isn’t in. I feel as though I’m going to have more and more run away moments if something doesn’t happen soon..

It’s not like I want to stay stuck. I want so so badly to look at myself in the mirror and understand who I am. I’m sick of questions I ask myself like What do you want, Why did you say that, Why did you do that, even the ever widening question of Who the heck are you? I can’t remember the last time I was this confused about things. 

I’m sorry.

And yet…….. at the heart of all of this. I’m holding on to truth. Barely, but holding on none the less. Everything is worked for good, for those who hold on to God and his truth.

One day I’ll come back and read this post, and think to myself, “How could you not see what was to come”, or “It was right in front of you the whole time”. Until then, I continue to look, and fight for tomorrow.

I feel better. Thanks for the vent session my faithful keyboard =)

_ T